I want another chance to fall in love with someone wholeheartedly. I know someone already loves me now, but I want to be the one in love. Just like how I was seriously in love with Rachelle before. I can’t say I don’t love her but I definitely don’t love her wholeheartedly anymore.

That adrenaline rush when you just talk and spend time with them. That happiness that follows after; euphoria. I know it’s like asking for a restart to life but everyone else I’ve know has had more than one person like that in their life. Why can’t I? Please, whoever’s out there listening, give me another chance?

Do you know how much it hurts? Fuck you. Fuck you both. I’m not even singling one person out any more. If either of you ever gave a fuck then you would act like the complete shits you are now. One fucker that strives for attention and the another naive fucker that doesn’t remotely possess the ability to sense the emotion in another. Actually the latter actually applies to both you fuckers. I don’t want to die, I  wont die for a pathetic reason like this. I don’t care whether you give a fuck or not if I did but I’ve come to realize that neither of you are with the shit that comes out of your mouths. Both of you are complete liars; complete ass holes; and completely useless. So fuck you and fuck you. 

I have this feeling once in a while that I can just go up to Rachelle and talk to her about this and that but then remember “Oh we’re not friends anymore….” I mean, talk like I never loved her and just talk to her as a normal friend; I’d remember that it wouldn’t be like before anymore. I probably won’t find anybody else like that either. So I just slip into this little state of depression again.

I dunno, thoughts like that just pops up from time to time. It’s like I’m still in deep water and I’m sinking back down from time to time even though I know how to swim.

I don’t know, I’ve lost hope in humanity. I’m 16 and I’ve already learnt that there is NO ONE in this world you can put trust in. Like absolute truth, there is no such thing as absolute trust. What you see in films, books, hear in songs; fake. All fake. Pathetic. Human beings are pathetic. This has gone through my head so many times. 

Do you know what I hate the most? School. Not because it’s the stereotypical answer that a teenager is supposed to give. No; because its the only place on earth, other than the government, where people gather to share shit gossip with each other. We are disgusting. What we do in school doesn’t even begin to contribute to our external social rankings yet we try to up one another just for that POPULAR stamp next to our name; IN SCHOOL. 

I feel like I’m the only one living day to day, putting up an emotional mask just so that I’d fit in with society’s expectations and not be noticed. 

I don’t know if I’ll stop loving you, because to me you are perfect. And I never got a chance to say it to your face like everyone else to the person they love. It seems lousy that I only managed to say it to you over Skype and everything started and ended on Skype. I really don’t mind that you don’t and won’t ever feel the same way because that’s how one sided love goes.

I’m also saying this because of Binna. Binna was so nice, she was so nice, she knows about how I feel about you and she worked behind the scenes to make sure our group didn’t collapse. I know you don’t care, but I do. This should be something I’m handling, I don’t want Binna to be sad again because whatever I feel should be my burden to bear. So I want to fix everything with you. I don’t want to rely on other people. 

I’m sorry for what I said, and what I said I’ll do even though I never had any intention of sending anything to anyone. Whatever guy you’re gonna fall in love with in the future is damn lucky. He’d better be grateful.

At any given time I would have one person in my life I’d be willing to throw money, and time away for. It doesn’t necessarily mean I love them. I don’t know what it is. For the duration we’re good friends, I’d be dedicated to them; I suppose……they’re my rock?

But with saying that, I know the people i treat like this don’t, and never will, treat me in the same way, and I’ll be completely fine with it.

It will always be one sole person though. I can never hold enough appreciation for a whole group of people at the same time, even two is one too many.

With that said, I think I just spent much more than necessary on one birthday gift.

I really need to have more restraint on my emotions. I am already incapable of detecting what others feel and I force upon them a situation even I can’t handle myself.  In short, I’m a fucking selfish bitch. 

I hate being treated like a five year old. 

"Good girl!!"

"Oh, you did it!!"

"You did it all by yourself!!"

I don’t think it translates over the internet, but I hate it when people say it to me in this…parent-to-child kind of tone. It sounds like a joke, but I don’t appreciate it. Don’t be a sarcastic arse and pretend I don’t know the meaning between mockery and appreciation.